DVD of our conference in Thurrock

DVD of our conference in Thurrock, click on the link to watch on Youtube.

Free advertising for solicitors

Women constantly ask me if I can recommend any solicitors. In response I will now advertise all solicitors who complete my 3 day professional training FREE on my web site www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Living with the Dominator ONLINE

Coming soon: An online version of Living with the Dominator will soon be available for sale on www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Heartless Bitches International (HBI) Review of Living with the Dominator

“Living with the Dominator”

March 31, 2009 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way, Lifestyles of the Heartlessly Bitchy | 1 Comment

I recently received a copy of this book by Pat Craven. (ISBN-10: 0-9558827-0-8 ISBN-13: 978-0-9558827-0-8)

Pat’s book is an adjunct to a workshop/programme she holds called The Freedom Programme, in the UK. The book is largely about 8 types of “Dominator” behaviors that abusive partners can exhibit, and the power and control tactics they use in relationships. It’s about how to see them for what they are, and what belief systems underlie and reinforce their behaviors. In many respects, I think the title might be more appropriate if it were, “Recognizing the Dominator”, because really, that’s what this book is about.

Jacky Fleming has instructive and entertaining cartoons throughout the book that emphasize the points without being too flip or maudlin.

Pat worked for years as a probation officer, and spent two years working on their programme for male perpetrators of violence against women. In addition to learning about the attitudes and behaviors of abusive men, (and changing some of her own) she also came to realize that, “There is a very common misapprehension that a woman who has been abused has some understanding of what has happened to her. This is simply not true. When a woman is being subjected to abuse she feels that she’s in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be her fault.”

This compelled her to create The Freedom Programme in the UK. I wish we had a similar programme here in Canada.

If the email feedback I have had from this site is any indicator, I concur that abused women often don’t realize that the behavior they are experiencing is abusive, and seldom realize the very negative effect it has on their children (especially true if he is has not yet become physically violent). That’s why I think the section “Home Improvements”, in Pat’s book is so important. It explains the very real benefits to you and the children when the dominator is gone. Women who are living with abusers need to have a vision of what life can be like without that person in their lives.

Pat counteracts the descriptions of the Dominator types with their “good” counterpart, so the reader knows what an emotionally healthy individual looks like. I think this is an important component, since so many women caught up in abusive relationships lose perspective, and lose trust in their own judgment. As Margaret Atwood said in “The Handmaid’s Tale”, “Normal is what you get used to.” Unfortunately, for abused women, “normal” can be pretty fucked up.

Pat does an excellent job of analyzing the underlying social constructs, media, and cultural history that reinforce the behavior and beliefs of the Dominator and Dominator sub-types. She also talks about how that socialization affects the beliefs of women as well, and how we can internalize that twisted thinking to reinforce the abuser’s behavior, or reenact it ourselves.

It’s difficult to read at times - Pat describes quite graphically what the each type of dominator does, and I learned some things that sexual dominators do that horrified me. But for women who don’t realize they are being abused, it might just be the wakeup call they need.

Each section starts with a quote, and the one for chapter 10 is the most chilling, but a statistic I had heard before: “Most women are killed or injured when leaving the relationship.”

In this section Pat discusses, ‘The Rules of the Game’ - a circular series of events and tactics that keep the victim in the cycle of abuse. It’s kind of like Karpman’s drama triangle, in that there is no easy way out, and it’s a no-win situation if the other person is intent on keeping the cycle going.

She talks about all the ways that women “break” the (often changing) rules by refusing to comply with the dominator’s tactics, in order to try and escape. But she also highlights that this very often results in violence and lies, the purpose of which is to get the woman back into the cycle and compliant.

While she talks about ways to recognize the lead-up to a violent outburst, I think this is where the book could have used a few more tools or more information on what a woman needs to do to NOT get sucked back in and to protect herself from that potential for violence. ESPECIALLY since this is the point at which she is most likely to be killed or injured.

At the end of the book, Pat has some very good pointers for recognizing the early warning signs of each type of dominator. I found this very similar to the Red Flag List on HBI, but quite a bit more succinct.

Though the book references services and incidents in the UK, I think the concepts and archetypes are universal when it comes to abusive behavior. All in all, it’s a relatively quick and enlightening read, and well worth getting if you think you, or someone you care for might be suffering at the hands of an abusive partner. In fact, I think it should probably be required reading for most teenageers so that we can start breaking the cycle of dominance and abuse that is still so pervasive in our society.

It’s not yet available on Amazon.com, but you can get Living with the Dominator from Amazon.co.uk.

New Freedom Programme Chat Room

I have been talking to women around Bristol, who have said that after they have completed the Freedom Programme, they have often felt quite alone again.

We have the answer! Go to http://groups.onespace.org.uk/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=50 and see what you think.

Please register yourselves and join in the chat - the more the merrier! Although jo-anne and elissa have used their own names, we do encourage people to use pseudonyms (??). I hope you like the idea and please spread the word! Anna Visit our new parenting website for single parents: www.onespace.org.uk

A new book 'Rape Crisis': Responding to Sexual Violence

A new book 'Rape Crisis : Responding to Sexual Violence By Helen Jones and Kate Cook. Available on Amazon.

This book is so much more than a history of the birth and evolution of Rape Crisis! This book is a fascinating, powerful examination of the socio-political dynamic underpinning Society's responses to sexual violence against women. Exploding the myths that surround rape and sexual abuse, it offers a radical, truthful insight into why the justice-system is so dismally failing women, at every turn. This book provides a cogent and compelling argument for its radical feminist standpoint and a 'living dynamic' that offers women both practical support and knowledge!

A new Book about Bullying

BULLIED A Surviver's handbook for people affected by domestic violence, school bullying and workplace bullying. Award winning Police Officer Neville Evans helps readers to understand more about this often confusing subject. This book is really helpful and provides practical and legal advice in clear simple language. I wish I had read this when I was subjected to workplace bullying in my last profession. To find out more click here.

Men's weekend

We are holding a men's weekend in Essex on 25/26 April. Visit the MEN section on the site for more details here.

Good newsletter

Please circulate.

A new partnership I am very pleased to announce that the Freedom Programme and Certain Curtain Theatre Company have joined forces to provide all future training. All training events will now include a performance of the spectacular play, ‘Lady in Red’.

Freedom in Essex Thurrock Children's services are also putting on the men's weekend in April for couples who have been referred by statutory or other professional services. It will be formally evaluated and the referrer will assess whether the female partner states that the process will not place her or her children’s safety at risk. To date they have now commissioned training for 100 professionals and are funding a Behind Closed Doors on 23.03.09 for 300 plus. They have bought 2000 books and are giving them out to EVERYONE who needs them! Police, Social Workers and all service users are receiving them. Freedom in schools St Helens school For the last 2 years DC Pauline Thomas has been running the Freedom Programme in 2 schools in St Helens. The schools have now completed a formal evaluation. It is really positive and has resulted in a policy that all the schools in St Helen's run the Freedom Programme. I am to train the teachers and Pauline is to supervise them. The evaluation is available from the Evaluation Section on my web site.

Name: St Helens Family Crime Investigation Unit Contact: DC Pauline Thomas
Tel: 0151 777 1589 Email: Pauline.Thomas@merseyside.police.uk Burnley school

Contact: Edel or Zoe Tel: 01282 457910 Email: e.sutherland@isaac.lancs.sch.uk

Other details: For girls aged 11 – 14

Supervision I am now offering one free supervision session to all practising facilitators. This will take the form of a 3-day observation placement and they will be given a certificate. Further supervision sessions will incur a cost. Obviously I will be processing them a few at a time. Facilitators can find an event in their area by visiting my web site. http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Conference in South Shields Behind Closed Doors in South Shields. On 20.03.09 The Freedom Programme and Certain Curtain Theatre Company will be offering a one-day training event in South Shields. This is hosted by the CVS. A big thank you to them! Pat Craven will provide an introductory session from the Freedom Programme. Local facilitators and graduates from the Freedom Programme will speak about their experiences. Certain Curtain Theatre Company will perform their wonderful play ‘Lady in Red’. Admission is FREE and lunch and refreshments will be provided. Please register for your place by e mailing Julie Robinson Julie@southtynesidecvs.org.uk Training in your area If you want an event in your area please contact me. I will add your name to a list and arrange an event when I have enough people. I currently have a few names for Derby so this is looking hopeful.

Money for women’s Aid Heather from Telford supplied this: I've found a search engine where if you use them to search every click gives Womens Aid money! the link is http://www.everyclick.com/womensaid

Men’s weekend with East Lancashire Refuge ELWRA and the Freedom Programme will be running a men’s weekend together in the near future. Dates are yet to be finalised but I will keep everyone posted.

BBC Documentary Dangerous Love This can currently be downloaded from the BBC Dangerous Love web site.

Pat Craven March 2009

A link to watch dangerous love

Model Danielle Lloyd embarks on a journey to uncover the true extent of violence in teen relationships in the UK today and to understand the impact this is having on Britain's young women.

Visiting organisations funded by Comic Relief, Danielle hears the real stories of teenagers who have violent boyfriends. She meets 21-year-old Sam, an inspirational young woman who, having survived violence in her teenage years, is now supporting others.

Danielle's search for answers also involves going back to school with children in Hendon to see groundbreaking solutions in action. Determined to stop more teens finding themselves in abusive relationships, the journey ends with her finding out about a campaign to directly spread the word and make a difference.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00j2d9s/Dangerous_Love_A_Comic_Relief_Special/

Early warning signs. How to spot a Dominator

This chapter is influenced by some work I did with the male perpetrators from the original probation programme in 1996. In that session I asked the men to write a letter to a real or imaginary daughter. In the letter they warned her which behaviours to look out for in a new boyfriend.

Later, the women on the Freedom Programme started to compare notes during the sessions. Many said that they had left their abusive partners and then met a new one. The new one was completely different from the old one so they assumed that he was not an abuser. Wrong! He was just as abusive but in a different way.

So in this session we try to guess how a Dominator would show himself in the first two weeks of the relationship. Here are some of the many warning signs provided by hundreds of men and women from the Freedom Programme over the last nine years.

Warning Signs or “How to spot a Dominator.” Early” Bully”. He may go quiet for a short time. This could be a “sulklet”, he will not explain why. He may stare or glare or have our “Bully” smile which means he is smiling with his mouth and glaring with his eyes.

He may be aggressive with others. Perhaps he may bully bar staff or waiters. He may use all the body language of the Bully. Watch out for tapping fingers, folded arms and swinging feet.

If we express an opinion with which he disagrees he will not let it go. He will railroad us until we agree with him. He may assume the crotch thrusting position.

He may tell us very early in the relationship that he would never hit a woman. Why would he need to say this at all?

Early “Jailer”. Many of these tactics are very hard to recognise unless you have done the programme or read the book. Many of us would see them as romantic or loving. Films and fairy stories tell us that these tactics are the face of true romance.

We want to visit a friend and he insists on dropping us off and collecting us. He may genuinely be trying to protect us from the elements or he may be making sure we are where we say we will be and there are no men there.

He comes on too strong, wanting to see us every day. He buys us a mobile phone to "make sure we are safe." He telephones and sends texts all the time. When he calls he asks where we have been and who with.

He calls round late at night unannounced. He does not want to socialise with our friends. He may try to sow seeds of doubt in our minds about our friends. For example he may ask, “How well do you know Sharon?” “Why do you ask?” We may ask? “No particular reason” he may reply. This will leave us with an uneasy feeling about Sharon. He has implied that he knows something we do not.

He will tell us that we do not need to work. He tries to persuade us not to go to work by suggesting we have the odd day off to be with him. He uses phrases like "together for life" and "always."

He tries to monopolise our time. He makes exhaustive plans, which involve being with him all the time. If we tell him that we usually go out with our friends on Thursday nights he will “forget” this and arrive with surprise tickets for an expensive show or film. We then do not want to disappoint him so we miss our night with our friends.

Early “Headworker”. He will tell racist, sexist or homophobic jokes. He does not use our name. He calls us "love" or "babe" or “princess” or refers to us as his "bird." He puts us down in front of others but always uses humour to do it. He makes sexist remarks about women generally. He will criticise other women in front of us. He will also praise their looks or figures to us.

He stands us up or arrives late. He will be generally patronising and may begin to play mind games in the first two weeks. We feel uneasy but ignore it.

He may make insulting comments about our appearance under the guise of a compliment. For example “You would be really attractive if you were slimmer!”

Early “Persuader”. He will try to make us feel sorry for him. He may combine this with the Jailer tactic of buying the surprise tickets. He will try to persuade us to do something we do not want to do. An example of this could be to persuade us to eat or drink something we do not want.

Early “Liar”. This Liar may tell us he has a failed relationship. He will have a sob story about a horrible woman who took all his money and now will not let him see his children. He will not use her name. He may call her “the ex!” He will accept no responsibility for any of this and will blame his former partner for giving him a bad time.

He may tell us he is insecure and has low self-esteem. He may tell us he is the victim of domestic violence.

Early “Badfather”. As we have mentioned our Badfather will probably not have contact with his own children. However he will start to try to use our children to control us. He may very quickly make himself indispensable. He will provide financial support, practical help and treats for the children.

This is very hard to resist if we have been struggling to manage time and finances on our own. Once established he may subtly begin to dispense discipline. He may ask, “Do they always stay up so late?” He may say, “You should not let them speak to you like that!”

Early “King of the Castle”. He will begin to choose our clothes in very subtle ways. “You look lovely in that dress but have you ever thought of wearing blue? He moves in with us too soon. He often achieves this by leaving things at our house.

In the “King of the Castle“ chapter we have identified how he gradually manipulates us into doing all the household tasks. The King of the Castle also controls all of our lives and takes over our house. He may offer to do everything for us initially and it is but a short step from there to not allowing us to do something.

For example, if we go shopping for groceries and we select a loaf he may take it out of the trolley and replace it with another. If we vacuum the carpet or wash the dishes he may do these jobs again claiming that we have not done them properly.

“The DIY Merchant”. He starts doing our DIY as soon as he meets us. He will call round and say,” I’ll be round tomorrow with my tool box to fix those shelves.” Before we know it Dado rails have sprung up all over the house! He can then come round and rip them down if we try to end the relationship.

Early “Sexual Controller”. He may move too quickly and want us to do things, which make us uncomfortable. He is not actually communicating with us if we do have sex with him.

He is irresponsible about contraception. He refuses to wear a condom. He is married or in another relationship. He may grope us in public.

These warning signs will come in clusters. They will not just exhibit one sign but will display several at a time. We will have noticed more than we realise. We then feel uneasy but ignore it. Women on the programme say that when they have done this session they now take those feelings of unease very seriously.

So, if our new partner exhibits clusters of such tactics it may be time to recall our Fairy Story and say to ourselves, “I don’t fucking think so!”